Grunk Gets a Visit from the Qaxarians

It’s a bit annoying, really, frustrating, even, that everyone seemed so shocked and belligerent when the Qaxar race arrived on Earth in the year 2047. After all; Qax-An Lox had delivered the message, clear as day, some forty thousand Earth years ago, to a very inhabitant of Earth, who was supposed to pass on the message and give everyone, as they say on Qaxaria, a “decent heads up”. Maybe it would have prevented the aggressive response to the Qaxar ship showing up in the skies of Chicago on a surprisingly warm February morning. Maybe then the Earthlings wouldn’t have decided to “fire upon sight” (that being the command phrase the Commander-In-Chief, a spry 35-year old bisexual lawyer-come-President had immediately bellowed when asked how to respond to the “alien invasion”, an invasion which, again, had been thoroughly and clearly announced to the Earthlings a mere forty thousand years ago) and this whole mess of having to destroy Earth could have been avoided. After all; the mission had been a peaceful one, a sort of “extending of the Baloxia Branch” (Baloxias being a highly pungent, yet delectable fruit native to Qaxaria, similar in size and shape to olives, and, coincidentally, factoring into similar folklore to that of the Olive branch in the Christian pantheon, as part of the most-popular Qaxarian religion, “TryAgainism”), and so no blood or goo had needed to be shed. But, as history has recorded, the encounter ended violently and abruptly, when the Earthlings decided to fire upon Qax-An Lox and his diplomatic team. You see, the word for “diplomacy” in the Qaxarian tongue is very similar to the word “retaliation”, of which the Qaxarian people were commonly known for throughout the galaxy (but, apparently, not here on Earth), and so, in response to the military response the Earthlings presented, the Qaxarians provided a “diplomatic” response, and promptly destroyed Earth and all of its inhabitants with the flick of a Qaxarian Diplomacy Ray switch.

It’s a shame, really, that the whole thing boiled down to a misunderstanding. The representative of Earth, in fact, that Qax-An Lox had given the message to, was a cro-magnon by the name of Grunk. He had been named Grunk because that was the only name, really, the only word, that his tribe could utter. Actually; every person, place and thing in his tribe was called Grunk, so this particular Grunk was no more important to the Grunk than any other Grunk in the Grunk, aside from him being the sole recipient of the message that the Qaxarians would be showing up again in roughly forty thousand years, to stop by and say, “hello”. Even though the Qaxarians were amazingly technologically advanced (they did show up to Earth in advanced flying ships at around the same time “Earthlings” had just “discovered” fire), and had the proper technology to convert their language into any other language in the galaxy simultaneously, so that the listener could perceive and understand exactly what was being said, regardless of their tongue, they unfortunately did not have a setting for “Grunk”, the language that Grunk and the Grunk spoke. Then again, the effort would have been futile anyway, for the only thing Grunk understood in the Grunk language, was the word Grunk, which meant everything. So, the only message Qax-An Lox could have conveyed anyway, would have been: “Tell your Grunk that the Grunk will be arriving on Grunk in about forty thousand Grunk, so try not to act all Grunk about it,” which would have been about as effective as hitting Grunk over the head with a rock.

The other misunderstanding was one that has plagued interplanetary travel since the dawn of time: that is, time, itself. The notion of forty thousand years to a Earthling is roughly the equivalent to that of a week to a Qaxarian. Meaning, while giving Earthlings a forty thousand year “heads up” may seem like a rather short amount of time to a Qaxarian, to an Earthling, well, that’s often more time than most Earthlings give credit to the Earth for existing. This was even more of an issue to Grunk who, like most primitive animals, primitive humans, and DMV employees, had no actual concept of this thing we call “time”. So, when Qax-An Lox said, in his native tongue (translated to the closest proximity he assumed would be Grunk’s native language): “In forty thousand years, we’ll stop by to say hi,”, all Grunk heard was: “Quack quack quack” (Even if Grunk spoke fluent “Duck”, he also had notoriously bad hearing, an undiagnosed ear infection from his youth inhibiting roughly 70% of his hearing ability, and also, somewhat-related, he was just a bad listener, really). Surprisingly, the arrival of Qax-An Lox hadn’t shocked or even frightened Grunk, as his level of comprehension and intelligence was so low, that barely anything registered in his conscious mind, let alone registering enough to shock or frighten him. This should have made him easy prey to the many predators that early humans had at the time, if it weren’t for the fact that the predators, seeing how simple-minded and non-threatening the poor bastard was, generally left him alone out of pity. Finally, in relation to the issue of time, was the fact that Grunk also had a distinct lack of short term memory. So, by the time the whole encounter had been over and done with, and Qax-An Lox had blasted away in his ship, and arrived at his home planet of Qaxar a scant seven light years away, to inform his fellow Qaxarians of the good news of his trip, and detail the itinerary of their planned visit to Earth, to see if interplanetary and intergalactic beings could finally start getting along for once, Grunk had already forgotten the encounter entirely, and was busy focusing on digging the gunk out of his ears that had accumulated over the entirety of his existence.

When the historical records of this entire encounter would be finally brought to light in front of the Intergalactic Diplomatic Outreach Council of Fling-Pangwodapop, some forty thousand years after the fated encounter between the Qaxarians and the Earthlings, the council would review the records thoroughly, and, by unanimous vote, conclude that it was entirely Earth’s fault, and that Earth should be fined 10 million Gloptids, payable by the end of the month.

(A month lasting seven hundred sixty eight thousand years in Earth time, of course).

-“A Historical Record of Qaxar”, by Qax-Un Lang, Chapter VIII, Section 479, Pages 1,486-1,489, Second Edition, Dictated by Steve Johnson